The Essential Guide to Life After Bereavement by Mary Jordan

Author:Mary Jordan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2013-07-20T04:00:00+00:00

It is often a good thing to remind ourselves of the fact that death is final. When death comes it is often, as the Bible is fond of reminding us, ‘like a thief in the night’ in a way and at a time that is so unexpected that we are totally shocked as well as bereft. We cannot make our excuses to someone after they have died, we cannot explain ourselves or beg for forgiveness. It is too late. How much better, then, to take the time to reconcile matters now? Perhaps we could ask ourselves exactly how important that chance remark was, how devastating that lack of a letter or card, how cruelly meant that omission. Conversely we might debate how difficult it might be to make the first contact, to ignore a supposed slight, to offer a hand in reconciliation. This is not meant to deny the hurt or unhappiness that may have been caused. It is a suggestion that we might like to put things right, to reconcile before it is too late.

Sometimes it really is difficult to approach someone in person. It might be found that a letter or a friendly card may open the way to reconciliation. Perhaps you don’t need to mention the act or words which caused the upset. A family member may recognize a gesture for what it is and respond in kind.

The world is not perfect and nor are the people in it. It may be that efforts at reconciliation are rebuffed and you may feel that in making those efforts you have belittled your own sense of hurt. This is a hard emotion to deal with. It isn’t always easy to feel that you have done the right thing if others reject you. However, if there is a genuine desire to make peace, a reconciliation is possible.

When offers are rejected

Why do people reject efforts at reconciling a wrong? There may be a number of reasons.

Others may feel so wronged that an apology or a ‘reaching out’ doesn’t seem to be sufficient to right the sense of hurt. Some people find it very difficult indeed to accept an apology – certainly with any grace. A grudging acceptance may make things worse. Consider the following replies:

‘Well, at least you know you were wrong.’

‘Do you expect me to accept an apology just like that?’

‘You may feel sorry now but it’s too late.’

‘What you did was unforgiveable.’

Replies and rejections like these can bounce the whole matter back into the realms of ‘the unforgiveable wrong’ and prevent any form of reconciliation.

I hadn’t spoken to my sister-in-law for months. At my husband’s mother’s funeral she had accused us of not looking after her mother properly. We had borne the brunt of the day-to-day anxiety and care as my mother-in-law slowly deteriorated with Alzheimer’s disease. My sister-in-law had visited only once a month and then at the funeral she came out with such hurtful accusations that I couldn’t bear to speak to her afterwards. My husband was deeply hurt and refused to have any more to do with her.

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